New Page for May

As of the 6th,
very busy, falling out of routine, sleepy, smitten (!)

Need to: clean my room, laundry, alchemist pysanky, ent appointment, calendar, bio for the sermon

7th

spent last night eating noodles and drinking beer and watching Secrets of the Castle projected on the wall across from the bed, awesome

this guy really knows what to say that I'm gonna like, this morning he told me that when him and his annoying neighbor went to the beach together (beach kid) they'd build drippy castles and his neighbor's would be the castle for vampires and his would be the castle for werewolves, very endearing

on the el this guy I was listening to was sooo funny

"when you're right you're right, you can't argue with right"
"if you wanna get through the rainbow you're gonna have to go through the mud. to get to the rainbow you gotta go through the mud, gotta go through the shit to get the rainbow"
"Mandatory?? I don't like that word, the only thing I've gotta do is DIE"

12th

feeling a little scattered, funny that in terms of places to be I'm very busy but when I'm in those places I have very little to do

instead of folding my laundry or cooking for myself yesterday I ate snacks and watched movies and did my pysanky for the director, which seems like less of a failure when I type it out lol, thank you flounder.online

starting to feel a little scared by the prospect of a potential relationship, need to keep in mind that this thing actually can just be nice and if it stops being nice that's okay 

I think I'm extra vigilant over my feelings and any potential flaws in the match because I have the sense that I knew the whole time with past relationships and spent lots of energy and time rationalizing myself out of the knowledge, but then again maybe it was a self fulfilling prophecy, hard to say, hmmmmm, intuitive or determined to be alone?

I think part of what makes me nervous is the prospect of him meeting other people in my life, because I'm always trying to be acceptable to everyone, and then if someone is a reflection of me suddenly I've lost a lot of control, ugh maybe I need to plumb the depths on that one

so blessed to have @lizardking, planning extraordinaire, past and future roommate, beach horror birthday is going to be so sick, can't wait to be drinking a margharita while covered in fake blood

the summer is so promising this year and is really very soon, need to get in the swim hole stat 

14th

exclusive??? seems so. what has happened lol, I am definitely happy about it but just like, woah, huh

15th 

okay I was feeling nervous a little bit but wow he's so gorgeous and nice to me life is so good, what do you know
he's coming to see the play tonight haha eep! and then maybe we're going out with his friends which I'm curious about

excited to establish some order when the play is done and wanting to start working on some projects of my own

perhaps even beginning the move to west, sourcing tiki torches, eyeballs, punch bowl, etc

18th

happy and sleepy and a little sunburnt, excellent busy weekend of finishing the play and hanging out with my new fella. 

he came to the play on friday and was very complimentary about my slithering lol, we went to this restaurant and there were so many empty tables and the girl was like ummmm I guess you can sit at the bar? and then so many parties of two proceeded to get seated, so funny, 
had lots of fruity frozen bevs to kick off jimmy buffet summer, very happy he likes to share food

on saturday we slept in and walked Pocket and got coffee and then headed to the Italian market and watched a greased pole climbing attempt

had cookie tinis and baby beer and then wandered over to ba le bakery and ate perfect sandwiches and mango smoothie in the hot parking lot

went to quigs after the play and talked about mystics and had two g&ts and some dominos (vegetarian moment!) before heading home

did some cleaning Sunday morning and Tim dropped off the leftovers and flowers for me and then I went to church which feels like such a fun social event now that I know all these people from the play. Matinee, gifted my pysanky to Sarah and got flowers for the production manager and playwright and then had a very charming dip heavy dinner with my parents. 

Tim texted me if I wanted to go swimming and so once my parents dropped me off he picked me up in his pickup truck wearing his new swimsuit and we went to the swimhole, very silly and goofy slipping around on the rocks and getting covered in creek debris and he looked so pretty with his curly hair all wet. 

showed him the Alaska photo album and he told me about his month in Japan and how he'd make a show of rubbing his tummy after he ate somewhere and the owners always loved it so much, one woman even ran after him to give him a whole cake lol

made him do the Bruno qi gong this morning and left while he was in his zoom meeting, dreamy dreamy life 

5/20/26 

Not at work today because the school got closed for extreme heat, crazy to think

have not been outside today except to be in the backyard

desperately need to work on summer plans for work but instead I cleaned and danced around listening to the new ikkimel album and drank rose and sexted this gorgeous gorgeous man, stressed about what I have not done but keep being like, woah, hold on, my life is awesome lol

lots of fun and unexpected compatibilities, want to buy him cassette tapes and make him oatmeal raisin cookies and tomato salad 

at the bagel place yesterday (yesterday?!) he was like, oh man I should've gotten an apple juice, so I got him an apple juice, and even though he paid for the bagels and the coffee and everything else, he was still like, wow omg that was so nice thank you so much 

very cozy in my very warm house now that I've cleaned a bit, bathing suits on the drying rack, back door open and the storm starting, dark sky and wind picking up, cold rose in a sweating glass, the flowers I got for the play losing all their big white petals on the dining table

5/21/26

Oh BROTHER! See now why does my brain do this. Tim asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes but then was immediately feeling like oh noooooooo it's too soon. But it's like, I like him and don't want to stop seeing him so what's the difference? But why can't I just be normal happy about this? Worried there are certain things missing or mismatched but I don't know how to talk about that without making him feel really bad. God! Why am I so fickle????

Maybe I am evil and bad? Something to think about lol
I know I'm not but I just wish I had better access to / understanding of my feelings
hard not to feel like I'm playing the part of perfect girl even when I'm acting kind of the way I normally do, and I don't know how to stop feeling like I'd doing an act. Feel like I am blocking my ability to connect with my compulsive agreeability

5/28/26

Birthday was really cute, feeling like this is the year that I don't take myself too seriously and just have fun, awesome being 27 and living in Philadelphia with my friends

Kinda obsessed with my boyfriend lol yay! The other day we decided to make dinner and we spent so long walking around the Wegmans, european vacation, I think our brains work similarly and we have a similar idea of a good time
we were having such a blast that we didn't realise we'd missed the window to get wine but we wound up walking to a bottle shop before we started cooking
orange wine, hot italian beyond sausage and homemade pesto with tomatoes, cherry garcia icecream
what a dream! Good division of labor in the kitchen, felt very easy and cute

lice returns, 
sooo glad that he thinks that me having lice is funny and charming lol
 
interestingly my birthday and having lice have given me very similar experiences of gratitude, #blessed #adultwithlice