5/4/26

Feeling insane. Update: actually feeling chill now because I did something minorly crazy which is write a poem about it, awesome how that works

4/30/26

Ms Carol talking about the weather

"It's nice, not that nice, but God has a reason, He knows that as soon as it gets real hot out people are gonna be going buck wild"

And that's true

4/28/26

Excited to live with @lizardking again, scheming about the garden.

Listening to podcast about medieval land management makes me crave farming but also is making me think how awesome it is that we can go to the store and also get take out, the medieval mind cannot concieve of the pleasure of picking up a banh mi and goopy green dessert from ba le bakery

4/9/26

Feel bad whenever I get annoyed at my boss, she's so kind and generous, sometimes I just cannot do a bit

4/6/26

Spring break is over and I am back at work!

It went by very very quickly but I guess that's to be expected. Went on lots of nice walks and wrote lots of pysanky and did my laundry.

Woke up naturally at 7:30 but for some reason decided to sleep more, foolish girl, no time for coffee, now I'm feeling sluggish.

Went to see the live stations of the cross on Friday which was so wild. The man playing Jesus was covered in fake blood and the two criminals were barefoot. The centurions had little plastic helmets on and were doing so much improv heckling of Jesus lol. Mary was played by what appeared to be a 16 year old girl, and she really did look so sad, I think about how seriously I would've taken that if I was doing stuff like that growing up.

Ahead of Jesus with the cross was a pick up truck and there were three girls riding in the back playing acoustic, slightly pitchy, sad christian music. Lots of people had these like good friday merch hoodies. It was at times really beautiful and moving, watching him fall the third time on the parkway and seeing his face pressed to the pavement, and at times very camp and silly.

Sang in church on Sunday, gorgeous sermon about the time that elapses between things happening and finding meaning from them, between grief and healing, the forty years in the desert or the 35 years that pass between the crucifiction and the events being written down. About being faithful in that time to the things in life that are difficult or tedious but we ultimately believe are for good- brushing teeth, watering a plant, doing skincare.

Need to maybe be faithful to more things- bedtime, meal prep, reading, exercise

3/25/26

Dentist yesterday, Dr.Bob was like, hey just so you know, you could totally do whitening strips if you wanted to lol

I love that dentist because it's a tiny building that feels like it hasn't changed since maybe the 70s- lots of wood panelling, paper files, kitschy seasonal decorations

I wonder how many times I've been to the dentist in my life? Such specific sensations that my life feels very compressed when I'm there, like gloved finger on my gums, metal pick, gritty tooth paste on the dense brushhead, looking up into the plastic light and also eyes with thick mascara,

I'm like wow I'm so good at withstanding this and keeping my mouth open so wide considering I'm a little kid, but I am actually an adult woman and probably all the adult women are doing a similarly good job

Anticipating an end to my celibacy, spring thaw, but it's actually so hard to find the time lol, too many hobbies to get laid it seems. and this guy isn't just saying, come over whenever, which is what would work for me, sigh

Got some summer clothes at the thrift store, excited to go out on the weekends wearing skimpy tops and sunglasses and stupid little shorts

I am too good at staying asleep which continues to vex me, even with the construction guys banging away at 7:30 and the light in the window I still rolled over and kept dreaming away and left 10 minutes between getting out of bed and leaving the house

3/17/26

Phlegmy at work, tale as old as time

Reading the script and wishing I had lines to read, maybe I should try to get into theatre more

Brain is soup, spent the last few days mouth breathing (congested) and watching reality tv. Did feel nice to turn my brain off but now three days have disappeared into mush and I think I'd feel better right now if I'd done more / moved more / consumed better things

A lesson perhaps, hmmm

3/13/26

Choir yesterday, and stayed after for the end of play rehearsal.

I love Debbie, this woman in her 60s who just moved from Colorado and has this very charming southern accent. She told me she just had her first girls lunch in Philly and was telling me that she's trying to stop people pleasing and being everything to everyone

Went for drinks and bonded with the director who's read the book of margery kempe and talked to me about medieval mystics, be still my beating heart <3 everyone keeps insisting she's never silly or frivolous, including her, but I feel like she was being silly with me, maybe it's just a bit

Can't tell if something is going on between her and my crush?

She's in an open relationship and has a key to his house

Spent most of the night talking to the two of them

I kind of love being confused in contexts like that, happy to observe, enjoy the company, not know

We went to this members only bar above a little theatre and it felt like being in someone's house and the bartender was soooo loud it was so funny, he kept yelling things like "holy shit!" and "where's the beef?!" lololol

3/11/26

Occurred to me too late that I should've gotten up early to sit outside in the warm air,

trying to remember to appreciate this time that I can wear sweaters and long pants without sweating profusely

Got sweet pink iced beverage from the dunkin

tummy kinda weird, grape uncrustable and wawa coffee

thinking about mystics and lollards and surveillance of thought

curious how the rehearsal tonight will be, hoping to talk someone into having an outside beer with me afterwards provided it doesn't rain

the sheep monopoly in Catan is a strong and reliable strategy; woe to those who stand in the path of the shepherd!

Ms Carol is listening to AI narrated videos:

"the best skincare is 8 glasses of water a day"

"you are a queen, not a placeholder"

"in the name of Jesus, don't ignore this prayer. If you have one minute for God today send this video to someone"

3/9/26

Very chill and nice weekend, got brunch with childhood friend in Manayunk and took the bus back and thought I'd get stuff done but instead ate mac and cheese and drank beer and watched Survivor which was awesome. Decided to start working on my big papier-mache side wound for an event around 10 which was foolish but productive.

Glad to not be worried about getting that done before Saturday, my outer thigh is still numb from being crouched in craft position for 4 hours lol but the shape is good and it finally dried and is propped up in my living room. It's gonna be really silly to take the el holding what, for all the world, appears to be a four foot tall vulva.

Very awesome and warm 9 mile walk on Sunday, feeling very good in my friendships and in my body and in my plans for the summer.

A little worried that I didn't prepare enough for this busy week and what I believe will be a busy many weeks until mid May. Maybe because today is sunny and warm and I ate my leftover taco for breakfast I am thinking that the solution to this is perhaps just to be less worried about it? I think either I can lock in and prep everything or I can just float around and get stuff when I need it and trust that I'll somehow eat and sleep enough haha. I think that's more harmonious with the kind of person I am. Experimenting all the time with how to live right, we'll see how this goes. Leaning into my inclinations and listening more and forcing less.

One thing I gotta figure out is that at night I keep convincing myself that I'm dying, last night my left chest hurt so I was like, oh brother, my heart's on the fritz. Makes falling asleep difficult. Reminds me of being a kid, "If I should die before I wake..." etc etc. Haven't died in my sleep yet lol, hoping that if something's really serious I'd be able to tell.

3/6/26

Feeling a little grumpy or glum today I think because of PMS and busy week and I wore the wrong jacket today, not warm enough and also too squeaky

Ms Carol's talking on the phone about her granddaughter and church and cracking up about "how are you going to make the muffins without cranberries?"

love Ms Carol lol

Almost done the long work week, gonna work on the calendar with Maya and hopefully we feel productive

Doing the thing where I keep checking my phone for notifications because I guess I want attention even though I'm in a being alone mood

when I am in this state the kids either put me in a much better mood or a much worse one, fingers crossed for the former

Felt a little insane after Max told me his new job pays 120 k and is fully remote, dang, but I think I would feel insane in a different way if I was doing marketing

I want to go lie down in a field and not have a phone, and wear a big cotton dress and drink beer and finally finish reading Anna Karenina

Keep escaping to Camino in my head, daydreaming about what I'm gonna wear, weird tan lines, what kinda mollusks I'll be bold enough to try, being sweaty and dirty in cathedrals, bunk beds etc.

Also just got word that we aren't doing summer camp at this school :( what the heck! Sad! Maybe I should look for a new job ugh

3/2/26

Update: I didn't get sick for Vermont and had a very beautiful and nice time, I love my parents and I love Liz and I love strenuous outdoor activities and hot tubs and soup. Sometimes it is so crazy to me how fortunate I am.

Running around the city all weekend, had adult prom which was fun and I felt very glamorous but also a little out of place and awkward, wish I'd brought all my friends. Chloe asked me if I kissed anyone or if anyone asked me to dance which I thought was funny because in my mind it was really only about my pals and getting fancy, this very drunk friend of friends did keep telling me I was pretty which was funny and cute but I'm feeling kinda closed off to any of that,

except for my crush lol. Gonna do this play that I'm really excited about although a little nervous about how big the time commitment is. I already have so little time it feels like. Hoping I'm not intruding in this friend group or making my crush uncomfortable with my (what I can only assume is) obvious interest.

Oh well! Impossible to tell, will try to be nice and funny and chill to all

They (the play people including crush) invited me to house karaoke and it was so fun and I did Higher, Hand in my pocket, and Islands in the stream. Funny when you start hanging out with a group and you think, oh maybe this is the beginning of a whole era of my life.

2/19/26

Praying I don't get sick for Vermont, this kid was hacking and coughing on me and also ripped up my activity, grr, hazards of the job

eating frozen pineapple and watching the mummy, must clean my room and make tomorrows lunch and pack for the trip

2/17/26

Fire horse fire horse fire horse

Scheming about my tramp stamp that I intend to get this year

Trying to feel more responsible for myself, more intentional

Went to a theatre workshop and had so much fun making noises and doing weird stuff with my body, gotta maybe seek out more of that

Excited to do some cross country skiing and drink beer and sit by a fire, and also excited to go on freaking pilgrimage in Spain

Going from dusty sweaty pilgrim to tipsy scantily clad beach babe is going to be immensely satisfying

Not sure if I have another love poem in me but maybe I'll try to write something for tomorrow, guess I could bring back some old ones

Gotta prepare for Vermont- do dishes, clean my cell, fold my laundry

Tring not to be weird about all the advice for luck for the Lunar New Year, I think it will be okay that I clean today and accidentally picked out a black sweater this morning. I am wearing a red sweater now and lipstick and I'm feeling pretty good so that should be enough to bring the luck in I hope

2/10/26

One of the second graders just like fully honked my boob yesterday lol

Was a brutal day, my activity was being sabotaged by kindergarteners and I was bleeding through my tampon and I had such a bad headache.

When I got home I watched Monster-In-Law with Jane Fonda and JLo and ate an orange in the shower and made peanut noodles and fried tofu so I felt much better after all that.

Still have not cleaned my room, blah

Excited for analogue evening tonight but I'm scared this guy is gonna be there cause he has a crush on me and sent me a very intense poem. It was in response to a poem I wrote and I'm like mostly upset that my poem was misunderstood lol, this poor guy

2/8/26

Crazy how much my hormones change my brain, maybe it's also a little placebo

I got my period and now I'm like, oooh I'm fine actually

perhaps it's also that I went outside both days this weekend and the light was really nice

whatever it is, brain is doing better

PMS and having a cold, disastrous combo

2/6/26

Excited for the choir concert tonight, I love singing in a big group, and especially being dressed up and a little nervous and everyone locked in to the director.

The orchestra sounded so good at the dress rehearsal and it was funny when the organist used his microphone to talk to us.

So enamoured with the woman who's doing the Pie Jesu solo and is also the director of the Cherry Hill choir, she's very glamorous and has incredible hair.

Got to chat with Jake about his read through of the whole bible, apparently it's very large and the pages have gilt edges and he just leaves it open and sits by the heater reading it. I like getting the updates cause the way Jake tells it it's like a TV show, feels almost like receiving gossip, I'm delivering a lot of theatrical gasps.

The kids keep knocking on the door of the office and trying to yank it open, feels like being in a zombie movie.

This cough drop tastes like a citronella candle and it's making me think about summer and camping. mmmm campfire dinner

2/4/26

Blah blah blah back on the blog cause I took another sick day

Woke up at 5am-ish very anxious and couldn't go back to sleep until 8:30 and slept until the afternoon! Deciding not to feel bad about that because it's in service of the choir concert on Friday, would suck so bad to be sick for the Requiem.

Made curry and talked to my mom :) Gonna try to write some love poems for the zine/reading.

2/3/26

Februaryyy, many nice things on the horizon: choir concert, analogue evening, days off, poetry reading, Vermont

At work with a cold, yuck. Sad to push the kids away when they run up to hug me but I don't want to get them sick. The plan is to get them to spell Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious today.

Walked over so much snow on my way into work, I love my hiking boots, thinking about Alaska

Maybe I will join the YMCA and be super healthy and go to bed at a reasonable time

1/26/26

Nothing makes me feel as good about myself as singing Suddenly Seymour with some stranger at the karaoke bar. The man I sang with last night told me I should be a star even though my voice is all hoarse from working with kids and staying up too late and he made me promise to pursue it and I laughed and waved my hands around and then he introduced me to his husband and told me it was their anniversary and then he said, please tell your friend I want to fuck him, it's okay, we're open.

Sometimes I think people should be annoyed with me for having such a charmed life, and then I'm annoyed at myself when I'm angsty and sad because everything in my life is really very good.

I feel like I'm never going to be as good as other people think I am which I guess is a really nice problem to have but does sort of stress me out.

Part of the problem is that I have it in my head that thinking of myself as a good person somehow negates the goodness.

Maybe I'm just lonely and lacking a singular purpose. Jason was telling me how he feels like he's unbeatable because of how focused his life is right now, he's just working and learning Portuguese and trying to see his Brazilian girlfriend.

Maybe I need to just start like shutting myself in my room until I can focus on something worthwhile, I am naturally very scattered and flighty and I think it would feel really good to lock in.

O but the siren song of tv and instagram reels and saying yes to everything

1/25/26

Snowy dayyyyy. I was very sad after my vampire party for one reason or another and feeling lonely and sorry for myself and selfish etc and then I had crazy weird dreams and woke up and couldn't fall back asleep but then finally managed it a bit and slept in.

Made myself a nice late breakfast and Jason called me from LA and said he'd been swimming with the dolphins lol and my parents sent a video of them cross country skiing on the power line trail.

Went on a snowy walk with Bryan and slid down the steps of the art museum on a card board box, Bryan gave the most beautiful man a cigarette and then he hurt his hand trying to sled down the hill, we sat by the river and over walks my cousins friend Mayur and he looks very beautiful and he sits on the bench and smokes a cigarette and tells us about a movie and then walks home.

Bryan and I walk back along the river and have to jump the fence on either side of the train tracks which feels very silly and then we go to a hotel bar and have cider and fries and then we reheat the stuffed cabbage I made for the party and watch Sinners.

1/24/26

Not in a bad way but I feel like I had a day of purgatory- very hot noodles and very cold air lol

And mentally preparing for a party and a storm

Sometimes I feel a bit awkward with this friend and I think that's okay

1/22/26

My job is sometimes very stressful and I don't make that much money but I get hugged a lot and also can blog and write poetry and generally not work until the kids get out of school so that's very nice.

1/17/26

Post party blog :) I love my friends and I love dressing up and being silly and sloppy and affectionate. I'm never sure how much context to add for blog post, since the people I think will read this were at the same function-- heyyyyy.

I woke up around 8 am on the couch having fallen asleep in my fresh laundry like a little kitten and then I brushed my teeth and drank some cold water and managed to fall asleep again in my bed despite the guys digging a hole in the backyard and seemingly making banging noises just for the hell of it.

Woke up again at 12:45 with raccoon eyes from all the eyeliner and had a brief moment of, why did I drink so much, followed by the usual comfortable bliss that I get sometimes with a mild hangover. Sometimes it's nice to be a little fuzzy and achy after a night out, especially when you wake up to snow on the ground, and I used my dry brush and sort of massaged my face in the shower and turned the water real cold at the very end which seemed to fix me up.

Made pasta with rao's and impossible meat and watched GLOW and then I got ready for this Love Actually party I'm going to where we'll rewrite the plotlines which, if good, I'll type up and post here.

Listened to Kylie Minogue and Lucia di Lammermoor and drank coffee with vanilla sugar and made stupid faces in the mirror for about twenty minutes to get myself in the mood for socializing. I wish I could find some sort of recording of the production I saw in 2019 (?) because I think about it all the time and all the videos I've seen of the mad scene on youtube don't even get close, they're just not doing the same thing, sometimes I think I dreamed it.

I don't even know how to describe it but it was like everyone was under a spell and Lucia di Lammermoor was alone in a puddle of light on the stage and performing the mad scene as if it was her wedding night that she never got to have and her voice was so clear and sweet and there's this one bit of the music that she did as if she was orgasming and it made sooo much sense that I assumed it was written in but noone else seems to be doing it that way!

Crazy that the first time I saw that opera I was sitting next to this homophobic guy from Arcadia who dressed like he was from the 50s (gay?) and the second time I saw it was my first "date" with Adrian who turned out to be crazy and terrible.

1/9/26

Having a real third grade moment, missing a slumber party because

I have freaking lice, incredible

mostly I think this is silly and it was sort of nice to put the lotion on, icky glee at seeing dead bugs coming out of my hair

I think about how I had lice in ninth grade and how itchy my head was while I was taking some standardized test. I was so scared and embarrassed that I let it go on for much longer than it should have, hoping it would go away. I still feel like I have not learned the lesson that was meant to teach me but at least having lice now I feel much more humored and icked out than mortified.

I think the horror of having lice in ninth grade was closely tied to the fact that I was in my hat phase lol (porkpie to be specific) and naturally, you know, people were trying on the hat.

Today this kindergartener named Serene was upset (understandably) because a girl she called KRDR scratched her with a pencil so bad it drew blood. Her mood recovered but later in the day when I replaced her bandaid she looked at me and said "I'm gonna buy a gun and I'm gonna shoot KRDR"

working with kids is crazy

1/5/26

feels almost like spring today!

feeling myself retreating into some quietude which I think is good for me and appropriate for the winter

enjoying the process of setting goals and dreaming up morning routines even if they never seem to pan out, feels good to try and imagine myself making coffee at home and doing qi-gong routines and staying on top of my laundry